Back to the Future

start running and don't look back

I imagine I am standing on a dock in the middle of a lake. One one side is the past, one side the present. I am ready to dive in, but which way am I going to go. When I emerge from the water, who will I be, where will I be. I contemplate, I look at both sides. I dive into the water, knowing I made the right choice. I come up for air. I am home.

Every once in a while someone will pose the question “if you could do it all over again and change things, would you?” and I never know what to say to that because it poses more than one dilemma. If I go back, when do I go back to? My child self, my teenage self, young adult? Do I get to relive some of the most important and life affirming moments or does everything change?

Oh, what I would give to go back to 1998 and not meet the person who would become my second husband. Just go ahead and ignore that AIM message he sent you instead of answering and diving headlong into a mistake that had ramifications still felt now, in 2020. To give myself a chance to heal from my divorce rather than seeking comfort in someone who never really provided that, to find myself again and learn how to live without alternating between rage and depression, what a gift that would be to me as well as my children. Imagine giving myself time to learn and grow and become a better person, a better mother, daughter, sister.

But maybe if I didn’t go through all that, I would not have ended up where I am now, I would not have taken the trajectory that would lead me to find my current husband, and my relative bliss. I would not have learned - albeit the hard way - about what I deserve and do not deserve. And then what?

Maybe I could go back to 1980 and go to college right away instead of wasting time in menial jobs and a first serious relationship that damaged me in ways that took years of undoing. Maybe I would have found a purpose in life instead of meandering through the subsequent years like a lost puppy trying to find its way home.

It’s so easy to wish things away, to dream about a life with no entanglements, no strife, to navigate your way through the years effortlessly because you are equipped with knowledge. But we don’t have the knowledge. We can’t know what our situations will lead to, what our choices will mean weeks, years down the road. I often daydream of going back, knowing what I know now, and defying fate, defying my own penchant for bad decisions. I’d take better care of myself, physically and mentally. I’d make better choices. I’d live in the moment more often, not take things or people for granted.

Perhaps I’d be a completely different person, in a world the current me wouldn’t recognize. I’d make another world, another life. One without the constant undercurrent of fear of I live with now. One in which I live without hesitation.

In my other life I am not scared. I have no fear; I do not shy away from opportunities, I do not neglect to take chances, I do not lay awake at night wondering if I will die in my sleep if I close my eyes.

In my other life, I do not worry. I do not imagine that every time a loved one leaves the house it will be the last time I see them. I do not view every venture outside as a chance for something tragic to befall me. I do not, in this life, imagine planes falling from the sky, carjackings, heart attacks. I do not engage my mind in worst case scenarios.

In my other life my hands don’t shake, my heart doesn’t skip beats, my stomach doesn’t do battle against butterflies. In this life, I am not always imagining the end of things: life, love, happiness. In this life I enjoy the little moments, I am present, I fully envelop myself in each minute, without thinking about how fleeting it all is.

I do not, in this other life, doubt and second guess myself. I do not think of myself an imposter, someone masquerading as a good enough person, a good enough worker, daughter, sister, mother, wife. In my other life I enjoy my successes without eyeing them suspiciously.

In my other life, I do not fear failure. I embrace opportunities, I take chances, I try without churning about in my mind the possibility that I won’t succeed. In this life I do not live in a constant state of anxiety; I am calm, I am rational.

In my other life I realize it’s ok to be flawed, I accept who I am, I love myself unconditionally and let others love me without questioning their motives. In this life I appreciate myself and what I have to offer the world.

In that life I create without fear of rejection, I love without worry, I embrace without pushing away. I live to the fullest, I put myself out there, I recognize what I have to offer the world without downplaying it.

I think about all these things when I think about going back and changing my world. But then I remember I am working toward all those things now, I am changing, evolving, getting better at everything. I am still, always learning and growing. Yes, it would be incredible to get to live a perfect life, to take all the lessons I’ve learned along the way and put them to use retroactively. Then I wouldn’t be me, though. I wouldn’t be the person I am today, one I like very much despite the flaws and fears within. I wouldn’t have this life, this world where I am cared about and nurtured by someone I love very much.

Would I give up everything I have now to erase that one relationship, to go to school, to wipe out my deteriorating mental health during those crisis years? Do I want to live in that other world where I am seemingly perfect, where I have no fears, no waking nightmares, no downfalls? That other life sounds like bliss, until I realize that bliss is here and now, waiting for me to recognize it, to open my arms to it. You can have bliss and still have fears, you can have happiness and still have worries. When I think of the phrase “you can have it all” I have to also think that “all” encompasses a wide range of experiences and emotions. It’s not all going to be good. It’s not all going to be bad.

I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to create an alternate world for myself where I never have controversy and thus never grow and learn. This other life I speak of is a fantasy, not a reality. I am my flaws. I am my mistakes. I am this life. And I am satisfied.

[photo by me]