it's 3am i must be thinking

woke up like this

A list of things I think about at 3am:

I think about fire, about the house going ablaze. I consider what I would try to take (my dog, my phone), make sure I know where my bathrobe is, listen for the intent chirp of the fire alarm. I imagine the house burning down, being left with nothing, being trapped by smoke and flames.

I think about the giant oak tree outside my window, how the branches bend in the wind and how it loses more and more branches with each storm. I think about it swaying, swaying, swaying until it falls over, crashing into my living room.

I think about money, like mostly everyone else. I imagine it flying out of my wallet, twenty dollar bills with wings, taking flight, never to be seen again. I do calculations in my head and the sums are never what I want them to be.

I think about car accidents, about hurricanes, about blizzards, about train derailments. I think about seizures and aneurysms and strokes and dying in my sleep.

I think about climate change and war and things out of my control that will put an end to us. I think about my kids and wonder if they’ll be around to see that end, if it will happen in their lifetime.

I think about mass shootings and workplace incidents and bomb threats and emergency evacuations. I imagine a scenario where I’m caught up in one of them and how would I react, what would I do, would I be a casualty?

I think about monsters in the closet and under the bed. I think about ghosts and vampires and otherworldly beings invading my space. I think that there are more ferocious monsters in my head.

I think about the future, the past, the present. Their ghosts hover over me, all vying for my attention, making too much noise, keeping me awake.

I think about all the concerts I’m going to miss because I just can’t do it anymore. I think about how I’ve never seen The Hold Steady and at this point never will.

I think about this guy and wonder if he has insomnia too and if he’s lying awake at the same time as me. I wonder what the thinks about at 3am, if the demons haunt him, too.

I think about my parents, and how they are aging before my eyes and I vow to spend more time with them. I think about the passage of time, about how when they were my age, I thought my parents were already old and laugh at how time has caught up with me.

I think about past transgressions, perceived slights, words spoken to me 40 years ago in a schoolyard. I think about mistakes I made, stupid things I said 30 years ago, stupid things I did 20 years ago. I think of comebacks for insults hurled at me in grade school.

I think about benign things, about books I’m reading and movies I watched. I think about the trajectory of Fred Dursts’ career and the odds of the Yankees winning the World Series and what I’m going to wear to work in a few hours.

I think a lot about sleep, and how it would be nice to sleep through a whole night and not wake up at 3am and have the monsters all attack me at once.

[programming note: i am going away for a much needed respite in rhode island for a few days. there will be no newsletter until tuesday or wednesday]