joy: week 29

in which learn how to cook and like it

Sometimes the joyful moments from the previous week are big and noticeable; other times they sneak up on you later on, when you look back at the week and realize there were certainly moments of joy. I had a big joy this week, and it will carry me through the months ahead.

So I have a little problem with ordering in. The amount of money I spent on DoorDash this year is kind of gross. Some of that comes from laziness, some from mental exhaustion. It’s just easier to order in that to think of what to eat for dinner and actually get up off the couch and make it and then clean up the mess. Cooking always felt overwhelming to me. Coming up with ideas, making the time for to shop and prep for meals, it all just gave me anxiety.

Part of the reason I haven’t cooked much in the past two years is loneliness. I cook for myself only most of the time. The act of cooking for myself, for one single, divorced person, made my loneliness feel acute. It felt self defeating to prepare a meal for myself, where I would eat by myself in front of the tv, wishing I had someone to share a meal with. All that prep, all that work, all that mess, just to feed only me. It seemed easier, less taxing to just order in.

I regretted it every time. I felt immense guilt after getting delivery. I shouldn’t be spending all that money. I should be cooking. I should be saving. I should be better to myself. I should be responsible. It got to the point where I was ordering meals at least three times a week, and I was sinking into a meal-induced depression because I knew I was not doing the best I could. I was actively making things worse, financially, emotionally, physically (I rarely ordered food that could be considered healthy).

I decided that enough was enough and eleven days ago I decided to break up with DoorDash. I promised myself no more takeout, no more delivery, no more $50 meals. I posted about my desire to quit delivery on both twitter and Facebook and immediately received helpful tips from friends and relatives. One friend convinced my to sign up for New York Times Cooking and I downloaded the app. My world changed almost instantly. I saw recipes that looked easy enough to make. I saw recipes that made my mouth water. I actually got excited thinking about the possibilities. I saw a way to make my life better.

I was never really a great cook because I have no patience and I’m a little lazy. But having the time to really get into cooking now that I’m retired made a big difference. I saved a bunch of recipes, went shopping, and made a vow to myself that I would be a good, consistent cook.

crispy potato gnocchi with roasted brussel sprouts

You know what I discovered? Cooking rules. Cooking is great. Following instructions to create something delicious is a newfound joy. I made crispy gnocchi with roasted Brussel sprouts. I made Salisbury steaks with a from scratch mushroom and onion gravy. I made something called Marry Me Chicken, which was the best thing I ever made. I made crispy mustard chicken thighs. Every meal tasted great, and every meal was a pleasure to put together.

The joy I have experienced this week just from cooking meals and not looking at DoorDash is indescribable. It’s much like writing a really good essay; I felt proud, excited, accomplished, like I did something good. I would look at each meal before I ate and think, I made that. Me. I did that. And guess what? I didn’t feel lonely eating at all. I was too busy being delighted at putting a delicious gift together.

I have fallen in love with cooking. A week of it has brought me intense joy. I am making homemade pizzas tonight and they will be so much better than anyone at Frantoni’s can make, because they will be made by me. (if you are a user of NYT Cooking, feel free to share any good recipes with me)

There were other, little joys this week. Some good new music came out Friday, including new albums from two of my favorite bands, Taking Back Sunday and the Mountain Goats, and they are both excellent. I watched a bunch of movies (10 Things I Hate About You was so good, everything else was a rewatch), and I started in on Hallmark Christmas movies, something I truly and inexplicably love. I took out my new Charlie Brown Christmas tree and strung lights on it. I gave out 200 bags of chips on Halloween and had my annual Starbucks peppermint mocha frap. And, of course, there’s Reilly and Pixie, bringing constant joy to my life.

I hope you had a good week, and found some joy in the little things and big things as well. I know the world feels like shit right now, but I am finding this weekly exercise in finding joy so helpful in reminding me that there are still good things to had, fun things to be done. I’m feeling alright. I’m feeling good. Haven’t said those words in a long time. Enjoy this week. It feels like the first week in November is the last week before I go into panic about the holidays mode, so I’m going to revel in it.