only in dreams

i am being haunted

You are there in my dreams. You appear nightly, sometimes just sitting on the periphery, observing, not talking. Sometimes you take an active role and we are still married, or dating, or getting back together. It always descends into chaos; you are drinking again and you’re being mean - something you never were - or you disappear for days at a time and I try to contact you but my phone is broken or you don’t answer. In my dreams I am always upset, anxious, sad.

I keep finding little pieces of you. You left one errant slipper that I found under the couch and it made me suck my breath in to find that remnant, to find part of you still here. You left some comic books, a video game, your ghost. At 3am it rattles its chains, as ghosts do, and I sit upright in bed, staring into the darkness, trying to get a glimpse of you. I fall asleep and you are there in my dreams once again, you are drunk, we are fighting, I am crying.

I didn’t know it would be so hard to fight off your ghost. I thought the specter of you would just dissipate in time, that it would wither away much like our marriage did. I have tried to fill my time with things besides thinking about you, but all my little hobbies, all the baseball games and going out with friends can’t override or negate the thoughts that swirl through my head all day long.

It would be better if I didn’t dream, if I didn’t spend my night in a world where I am desperate to to talk to you, desperate to calm you, to hold you, to be yours again. My sleeping mind knows what my waking mind doesn’t; that I still miss you, that I’m still sad and lonely, that I still long for the life we had. There are days where I feel like I have moved on, that my heart has healed and then I fall asleep at night and do it all over again, dream of us and what we were. It might be better if I didn’t sleep at all, if I just stayed awake forever to rid myself of your ghosts that haunts my nights. I want to be rid of you. I want to be done with you.

I don’t know what to do. I have tried to fight off the dreams as much as I have tried to fight off sleep but I have no fight left in my anymore. I just lay my head on the pillow and know what’s coming and resign myself to another night of being terrorized by your ghost.

In my dreams you are always vaguely drawn, a figure that I know is you but looks blurry or misshapen. I can’t see your face fully, I don’t recognize your voice. I just know it’s you. I wish you would leave. I wish I could exorcise you from my life, have someone come over and sprinkle some magic dust over my bed that will keep me from dreaming about you again. But I guess I have to be patient and let time take its toll. Perhaps the dreams will fade and then stop and then I’ll be rid of the visions that haunt me all day.

Until then, I will see you tonight.