time enough at last

i had time to catch up on all the latest entertainment, and neglected to do so, on purpose

I watched the movie Holes on Sunday and while this is not remarkable in any way, the fact that it’s a movie from 2003 is. There are so many new movies and television shows out there that are worth watching and I’m turning to an almost twenty year old movie for entertainment. I don’t know why I can’t get into anything new; I certainly had the time being home on sick leave for seven weeks. But recent shows went unwatched and new books went unread and I just stared at reruns of The Simpsons or King of the Hill on FXX, and that was fine with me.

Oh, I make attempts. I started What We Do in the Shadows and Reservation Dogs and Shorsey, and I liked them all just fine. I just couldn’t get past more than two episodes. Watching tv shows suddenly felt like work I didn’t want to do. They need my time, my attention, and a mental clarity I just cannot spare at the moment. I want so very much to watch Better Call Saul but putting that much effort into bingeing a whole season feels daunting and gives me anxiety. Which is why I have devoted myself only to Ted Lasso and Barry. They drop one episode at a time and I catch them from the beginning so there’s no bingeing or catching up.

I had almost all the time in the world to catch up on shows and books while I was home and stuck on the couch after my surgery. I even thought about it in the hospital, thinking how nice it would be to go home and start watching all those shows people were talking about. I’d be free to binge all day and all night. No time constraints. No interruptions. But when I got home I slid right back into my old habit of old shows. All that free time I had to finally become culturally educated fell by the wayside as I laughed at The Simpsons again and again.

I pay for several streaming services, and my family gets more use out of those logins than I do. They watch all the latest shows, all the biggest movies, and I just sit there and stare at the myriad choices on the welcome screen, get overwhelmed, and settle on an episode of Spongebob Squarepants or Party Down that I’ve seen twenty times already. There’s a comfort in being able to turn off my mind and settle in with an old friend. It’s where I’m at mentally right now- please do not give me new information about anything or my brain will shut down.

Admittedly, I’ve been in a funk. It’s not just from being homebound while sick/recovering. This goes back to the beginning of the pandemic. My brain fuzzed out at some point and never recovered. I didn’t want new shows, I didn’t want new books, I didn’t want to have to absorb anything or learn anything. Instead, I watched a couple of seasons of Cheers and read several of my favorite childhood books. I needed the warmth provided by things that represented good times in my life, but also the fact that I didn’t have to really use my brain at all made it more enjoyable. It was like eating a bowl of mashed potatoes for dinner instead of a salad; you’re not getting any nutrition but it sure tastes and feels good.

People keep encouraging me to either finish watching the shows I started or start new shows they love and it’s somewhat irritating to be prodded to do something that feels like a job to me, or like homework. I don’t want to learn about any new characters or places, I don’t want to get involved in new plot lines or discover underlying meaning to those plots. I just want to be left alone with my reruns and baseball games and not have to face the task of watching 22 episodes of 45 minute length dramatics.

And that’s the other thing. Most of the shows recommended to me are dramas filled with death and loss and violence and heartache. They are anxiety-ridden and the last thing I need in my life is more anxiety. It’s why I dropped out of Breaking Bad three episodes in. It’s why I won’t watch The Rehearsal. Barry is the closest I get to anything dramatic, and one show with murder and mayhem is enough for me. I need simplicity, I need comedy. I need to not tax my brain or have my heart hurt. Don’t recommend a show and tell me how it made you cry nearly every episode, that shit is not for me. It’s why I used to love network show like The Middle and My Name is Earl. In thirty minutes I get a problem, a solution, and laughs. Mindless. Empty calories. I am but a simple person at heart.

I know I’m missing out on a lot. There are so many good shows out there with excellent writing and superlative acting and all that, but I will put up with not knowing what anyone on twitter is talking about if it means I don’t have to consume entertainment that makes me feel like I am working too hard to enjoy it. Once I decided I was no longer going to try to watch everything - or even some things out there - I felt free. Free to ignore recommendation, free to watch my old shows, free of the anxiety I feel every time I open my laptop to watch something, only to be overwhelmed by choices. Give me Toy Story again and again. Give me Malcolm in the Middle reruns. Give me freedom from choice.